The call came from a dean in another college. The director of African American Studies had resigned unexpectedly, and he wanted to know if I would step in as interim.

On paper, it was a detour. I had just received a major federal grant to pursue my own research on organizational change. I cared deeply about African American Studies, but I did not want that to become the center of my attention or my career.

I went into a whirlwind of thought. My dean had agreed to release half my time, and the other college would cover that portion of my salary, so I wouldn’t lose income. But what was the upside for me? It would be more work, in a different area, pulling time and energy away from what I thought was my primary path.

I said yes anyway.

In that interim role, I learned the inner workings of the university, built relationships across units, and saw how decisions were really made—information I never would have encountered if I’d stayed in my lane as a faculty member. Later, when I received a grant to launch a research institute squarely in my area of passion, those relationships and that insider knowledge made the work immeasurably smoother. What had looked like an off‑ramp turned out to be a bridge.

It didn’t feel that way at first.

The Paradox of Stepping Up

If you’re the one who always steps up at work, it can start to feel like there’s a quiet cost to your competence. You take on the extra tasks, hold the team together, and somehow still watch other people glide into the promotions and the raises.

For many women—and especially Black women—that cost is real. Women spend disproportionate time on work that doesn’t move their careers forward, while colleagues who do less invisible office and emotional labor advance faster and get paid more. Over time, that doesn’t just hurt your pay; it eats away at your confidence and your self‑trust.

At the same time, another body of research tells a different story. People who take initiative—who act like the next‑level leader before they get the title—tend to earn more, get promoted more, and feel more satisfied in their careers. They raise their hands, they volunteer for visible projects, and in the long run, they come out ahead.

So you’re stuck in a maddening paradox:

⚖️If you keep saying yes, you risk feeling used.
⚖️If you stop saying yes, you worry you’ll be discounted or rendered obsolete.

On one side, we’re told: “Protect yourself. Don’t let people take advantage of you.”

On the other, we’re told: “Put yourself out there. Step up. That’s how opportunities come.”

Both feel true. Especially if you’re a woman, and particularly a Black woman, who has already spent years being the reliable one, the fixer, the quiet backbone.leanin+1

This article is my attempt to resolve that paradox. I want to help you tell the difference between the draining yeses that deplete you and the strategic, generous yeses that build your skills, your visibility, and your sense of yourself as a powerful, emotionally intelligent leader, practicing inclusive leadership from the inside out.

The Trap: Office Housework and Invisible Labor

Part of the answer lies in what we are stepping up for.

Research and lived experience both tell us that women—especially women of color—are more likely to be asked to take on “office housework” and other non‑promotable tasks: planning events, taking notes, organizing celebrations, doing the invisible glue work that keeps teams running. And we are asked because we are good at it. I have sat in so many meetings where people were trying to figure out how to get some low‑level task done, and I’m thinking, “Why are they making this so hard?”—while literally sitting on my hands so I don’t volunteer.

Economist Linda Babcock and colleagues call these low‑promotability tasks essential for the organization, but rarely recognized or rewarded in promotion decisions. Articles summarizing this research note that women are asked far more often than men to do tasks “no one wants”—and the system assumes we’ll say yes.

When we say yes to this kind of work out of guilt, fear, genuine exasperation at others’ ineptitude, or sheer habit, we end up in the worst of both worlds: always stepping up, seldom recognized, and increasingly exhausted. It’s also a quiet emotional‑intelligence cost: you’re using your empathy, your awareness of team needs, and your conflict‑avoidance skills in ways that don’t move you closer to the decision‑making table.

The other side: Strategic stepping up

But that’s not the whole story.

When I look at the research on proactive behavior and career success, and at the leaders I’ve coached, a different pattern appears: people who choose to step up in strategic, visible ways—taking on projects that build new skills, demonstrate leadership, and create tangible results—often become the “obvious” choice when opportunities arise.

One classic study followed employees over time and found that proactive people—those who seek out opportunities, initiate change, and build useful relationships—were more likely to be promoted and to earn more over several years. More recent work confirms that these behaviors lead to both objective (salary, promotions) and subjective (satisfaction) career success.

In my own work, I’ve seen this play out. A student about to graduate with her master’s told me how discouraged she was that every job she wanted, she was rejected for.

“How am I supposed to get experience in my profession if no one will give me a chance?” she asked.

I asked if she had an organization in mind. She named her dream organization, but they had no entry‑level positions.

I suggested she go to the leader she most admired there, ask if that leader had a key project that kept getting delayed, and offer to manage it from start to finish. “Tell her your parameters—how many hours per week you can give—and then make that thing happen for her.”

“Do it without any pay?” she asked, her eyes widened in surprise.

“Do it without any expectation of pay,” I responded. Do it for the learning and experience, and the reference you will get. Be honest and tell that leader that your hope is she will give you a sterling recommendation when you finish.

A few months later, she called me to say that when budget conversations came up, she was no longer a “nice‑to‑have volunteer”—she was someone they didn’t want to lose. They created a role for her.

She stepped up. But she chose what to say yes to based on her own growth goals.

She had no guarantee that her yes would pay off. It could have gone sour. Strategic yeses are not sure things; they are informed risks—bets on your growth, your visibility, and your leadership. For people who are risk‑averse (and for those of us who have already paid a high price for past “yeses”), that can feel scary. But in today’s job market, proactive, thoughtful stepping up is usually a better long‑term bet than staying safely in the background.

Shonda’s “Year of Yes” — and the Power of Selective Yeses

Shonda Rhimes has a beautiful way of talking about this in her book Year of Yes. She describes realizing how often she said no to opportunities because of fear and self‑doubt—and then committing to a year of saying yes to the things that scared her and stretched her, especially public speaking and visibility.

Her “yes” was not to every request for free labor. It was a yes to growth, to vulnerability, to her own life. It was a series of choices to step forward into opportunities that aligned with her values and long‑term vision, even when they were uncomfortable.

That’s the kind of yes I have declared for myself.

The Strategic Yes Test

Over the years, I’ve needed a simple way to decide: is this a draining yes, or a strategic, generous yes? For myself and my clients, especially Black women leaders navigating biased systems, I use what I call the Strategic Yes Test—three questions:

1. Will my contribution benefit others?
2. Will it benefit me?
3. Can I do it in a spirit of generosity, with no resentments or regrets?

1. Will my contribution benefit others?

Will this contribution support the kind of workplace or community I want to help create—for myself and for others like me—rather than just propping up the status quo?

Sometimes that looks like visible leadership; other times it’s something quieter, like offering empathetic listening to a desperate colleague when I truly have the capacity. If the only “benefit” is keeping a broken system running smoothly, that’s a flag.

2. Will it benefit me?

Will this build my leadership story—give me a concrete example of leading, influencing decisions, solving meaningful problems, or practicing the next‑level role I want?

If a request keeps the system running but doesn’t build my skills, visibility, or influence, I will at least pause before saying yes and ask, “Is there a clear line from this task to decision‑making, budget, or my development—or is it just cleaning up after everyone else?”

Saying yes to strategic stretch means looking for opportunities where the outcome can be seen and named, not just absorbed and forgotten.

3. Can I do it in a spirit of generosity, with no resentments or regrets?

I am often asked to do things for little or no pay. And often I agree. Former clients and students have called me for help, often in dire situations. My heart has opened to them, and I have said yes. What I get is the satisfaction of knowing I’ve helped someone in need and real‑time learning about what is happening in a variety of organizations.

When I say yes in those situations, I am motivated by a genuine desire to serve and to learn. I’m not making a secret mental contract that “this person now owes me.” I’m acting from what I call a spirit of generosity and curiosity—trusting that the reward, if there is one, might come later and even from somewhere else entirely.

For me, the key is the spirit behind the yes and the direction of the work. If I have room in my heart to give, I will do so. If I feel called to contribute, I won’t let a tit‑for‑tat mentality stop me or demand that the person in front of me complete the exchange.

That also means asking, “Do I have enough water in my well for this right now?” When I check in with my body and spirit, I’m looking for whether I can do this without simmering resentment, self‑abandonment, or harm to my health.

I am careful to monitor my own body and attitude, making sure I have the time and mental space to contribute my best without resentment, fatigue, or a hint of feeling sacrificial. If I am exhausted, resentful, or burned out, that is a signal. No one benefits from me giving from emptiness.

When I can answer “yes” to all three questions—or at least a solid yes to the second and third—I know I’m making a thoughtful, strategic choice. When one or more of them is a clear “no,” that’s my cue to pause, renegotiate, or decline.

How This Looked in Real Life

When I said yes to the interim African American Studies role, I didn’t have guarantees, but I was quietly answering those three questions. The work clearly benefited others and the program; it also expanded my relationships and gave me an inside view of the university that later made launching my research institute far smoother. And I could do it without simmering resentment, from a genuine desire to serve and learn.

The grad student did the same. Her unpaid project solved a real problem for her dream organization, built her experience and leadership story, and she could approach it with a whole heart because she was clear on her boundaries and her goal (learning and a strong recommendation).

Neither of us knew in advance that these yeses would “pay off,” but both passed the Strategic Yes Test—and both planted seeds that grew into unexpected opportunities.

An Experiment: One Scan, One Small Shift

Take a quiet moment to look at your week through the lens of the three questions:

1. Where are you already doing work that benefits others, benefits you, and that you can do in a spirit of generosity—with no simmering resentment afterward? Notice how those yeses feel in your body and in your sense of yourself as a leader.
2. Where are you doing work that fails one or more of those tests—especially tasks that don’t build your skills or visibility, don’t align with the kind of workplace you want to help create, and leave you drained or irritated? Those are the places to start experimenting with small noes or renegotiations.

Let’s Talk

I can help with that discernment. You are not here just to be used. And you are not here to hide. You get to protect your energy and step up as the generous, strategic, emotionally intelligent leader you are.

If this resonated with you, hit reply, drop a note in the comments, or send me a direct message and tell me a bit about your situation, so we can explore whether a brief call would be helpful.

For Black women leaders at the director level or above, I’ve formed a Skool community where we can talk about our unique experiences in organizational settings. If you are interested, here is the link to The Black Women Leader Gateway. You’ll register with Skool first, then you’ll be placed directly into our community.

I’m also aware that people with other identities are interested in forming their own communities of like‑minded leaders who are facing similar challenges in ways that show up uniquely for them. If that interests you, here’s the link to the waitlist.

Leadership in these demanding times is my passion and interest. I’d love to hear from you either way.

With care,
Jean