Introduction

The call came from a dean in another college. The director of African American Studies had resigned unexpectedly, and he wanted to know if I would step in as interim.

On paper, it was a detour. I had just received a major federal grant to pursue my own research on organizational change. I cared deeply about African American Studies, but I did not want that to become the center of my attention or my career.

I went into a whirlwind of thought. My dean had agreed to release half my time, and the other college would cover that portion of my salary, so I wouldn’t lose income. But what was the upside for me? It would take more time and energy in a new area, pulling me away from what I saw as my main focus.

I said yes anyway.

In that interim role, I learned how the university operated. I built relationships across different units and saw how decisions were made. I wouldn’t have gained this insight if I had remained just a faculty member. Later, I got a grant to start a research institute in my passion area. Those connections and insights made things a lot easier. What had looked like an off ramp turned out to be a bridge.

It didn’t feel that way at first.

The Paradox of Stepping Up

If you’re the one who always steps up at work, it can start to feel like there’s a quiet cost to your competence. You take on the extra tasks, hold the team together, and somehow still watch other people glide into the promotions and the raises.

For many women—and especially Black women—that cost is real. Women spend disproportionate time on work that doesn’t move their careers forward, while colleagues who do less invisible office and emotional labor advance faster and get paid more. Over time, that doesn’t just hurt your pay; it eats away at your confidence and your self‑trust.

At the same time, another body of research tells a different story. People who take initiative—who act like the next‑level leader before they get the title—tend to earn more, get promoted more, and feel more satisfied in their careers. They raise their hands, they volunteer for visible projects, and in the long run, they come out ahead.

So you’re stuck in a maddening paradox:

⚖️ If you keep saying yes, you risk feeling used.
⚖️ If you stop saying yes, you worry you’ll be discounted or rendered obsolete.

On one side, we’re told: “Protect yourself. Don’t let people take advantage of you.”

Yet we're also told, we’re told: “Put yourself out there. Step up. That’s how opportunities come.”

Both feel true. Especially if you’re a woman, and particularly a Black woman, who has already spent years being the reliable one, the fixer, the quiet backbone.

This article is my attempt to resolve that paradox. I want to help you tell the difference between the draining yeses that deplete you and the strategic, generous yeses that build your skills, your visibility, and your sense of yourself as a powerful, emotionally intelligent leader, practicing inclusive leadership from the inside out.

The Trap: Office Housework and Invisible Labor

Part of the answer lies in what we are stepping up for.

Women, especially women of color, often get asked to do “office housework.” Research and personal stories show this happens a lot. This includes tasks such as planning events, taking notes, and organizing parties. These are the invisible tasks that keep teams running smoothly. And we are asked because we are good at it. I’ve been in many meetings where folks struggle with simple tasks. I often think, “Why is this so complicated?” and just sit on my hands to avoid jumping in.

Economist Linda Babcock and colleagues call these low‑promotability tasks essential for the organization, but rarely recognized or rewarded in promotion decisions. Articles summarizing this research note that women are asked far more often than men to do tasks “no one wants”—and the system assumes we’ll say yes.

Saying yes to this work out of guilt, fear, frustration, or habit leaves us in a tough spot. We keep stepping up, rarely get recognized, and feel more exhausted. It also has a quiet emotional cost. You use your empathy, awareness of team needs, and conflict-avoidance skills. But these efforts don’t help you get closer to the decision-making table.

The Other Side: Strategic Stepping Up

Research on proactive behavior and career success shows a clear pattern. People who take strategic steps, like leading skill-building projects, are often the best pick for new chances.

A classic study tracked employees over time. Proactive people—those who looked for chances, drove change, and formed strong bonds—were more likely to get promoted and earn more over time. Recent studies show that these behaviors lead to objective success. This includes salary and promotions. They also lead to subjective success, like greater job satisfaction.

In my own work, I’ve seen this play out. A student about to graduate with her master’s told me how discouraged she was that every job she wanted, she was rejected for.

“How am I supposed to get experience in my profession if no one will give me a chance?” she asked.

I asked if she had an organization in mind. She named her dream organization, but they had no entry‑level positions.

I suggested she go to the leader she most admired there, ask if that leader had a key project that kept getting delayed, and offer to manage it from start to finish. “Tell her your parameters—how many hours per week you can give—and then make that thing happen for her.”

“Do it without any pay?” she asked, her eyes widening in surprise.

“Do it without any expectation of pay,” I responded. Do it for the learning and experience, and the reference you will get. “Be honest and tell that leader that your hope is she will give you a sterling recommendation when you finish.”

A few months later, she called me to say that when budget conversations came up, she was no longer a “nice‑to‑have volunteer”—she was someone they didn’t want to lose. They created a role for her.

She stepped up. But she chose what to say yes to based on her own growth goals.

She had no guarantee that her yes would pay off. It could have gone sour. Strategic yeses are not sure things; they are informed risks—bets on your growth, your visibility, and your leadership. For people who are risk‑averse (and for those of us who have already paid a high price for past “yeses”), that can feel scary. But in today’s job market, proactive, thoughtful stepping up is usually a better long‑term bet than staying safely in the background.

Shonda’s “Year of Yes” — and the Power of Selective Yeses

Shonda Rhimes has a beautiful way of talking about this in her book Year of Yes. She realized she often said no to opportunities because of fear and self‑doubt—and then committing to a year of saying yes to the things that scared her and stretched her, especially public speaking and visibility.

Her “yes” was not to every request for free labor. It was a yes to growth, to vulnerability, to her own life. It was a series of choices to step forward into opportunities that aligned with her values and long‑term vision, even when they were uncomfortable.

That’s the kind of yes I have declared for myself.

The Strategic Yes Test

Over the years, I’ve needed a simple way to decide: is this a draining yes, or a strategic, generous yes? For myself and my clients, especially Black women leaders navigating biased systems, I use what I call the Strategic Yes Test—three questions:

1. Will my contribution benefit others?
2. Will it benefit me?
3. Can I do it in a spirit of generosity, with no resentments or regrets?

1. Will my contribution benefit others?

Will this contribution support the kind of workplace or community I want to help create—for myself and for others like me—rather than just propping up the status quo?

Sometimes that looks like visible leadership; other times it’s something quieter, like offering empathetic listening to a desperate colleague when I truly have the capacity. If the only “benefit” is keeping a broken system running smoothly, that’s a flag.

2. Will it benefit me?

Does this help build my leadership story? Does it show my skills in leading, influencing decisions, solving key problems, or preparing for my next role?

If a request keeps the system going but doesn’t help my skills, visibility, or influence, I pause. I ask, “Does this task lead to decision-making, budget, or my growth? Or is it just cleaning up after others?”

Saying yes to strategic stretch means staying open to opportunities that can help me grow. I might not know what will happen. I’ll stay open to surprises. Still, I can expect something good is likely to come.

3. Can I do it in a spirit of generosity, with no resentments or regrets?

I am often asked to do things for little or no pay. And often I agree. Former clients and students have called me for help, often in dire situations. My heart has opened to them, and I have said yes. What I get is the satisfaction of knowing I’ve helped someone in need and real‑time learning about what is happening in a variety of organizations.

When I say yes in those situations, I am motivated by a genuine desire to serve and to learn. I’m not making a secret mental contract that “this person now owes me.” I’m acting from what I call a spirit of generosity and curiosity—trusting that the reward, if there is one, might come later and even from an unexpected place.

For me, the key is the spirit behind the yes and the direction of the work. If I have room in my heart to give, I will do so. If I feel called to contribute, I won’t let a tit‑for‑tat mentality stop me or demand that the person to return the favor.

That also means asking, “Do I have enough water in my well for this right now?” When I check in with my body and spirit, I’m looking for whether I can do this without simmering resentment, self‑abandonment, or harm to my health.

I am careful to monitor my own body and attitude, making sure I have the time and mental space to contribute my best without resentment, fatigue, or a hint of feeling sacrificial. If I am exhausted, resentful, or burned out, that is a signal. No one benefits from me giving from emptiness.

When I can answer “yes” to all three questions—or at least a solid yes to the second and third—I know I’m making a thoughtful, strategic choice. When one or more of them is a clear “no,” that’s my cue to pause, renegotiate, or decline.

How This Looked in Real Life

When I said yes to the interim African American Studies role, I didn’t have guarantees, but I was quietly answering those three questions. The work clearly benefited others and the program; it also expanded my relationships and gave me an inside view of the university that later made launching my research institute far smoother. And I could do it without simmering resentment, from a genuine desire to serve and learn.

The grad student did the same. Her unpaid project tackled a real issue for her dream organization. It built her experience and leadership story. She approached it fully, as she was clear on her boundaries and her goal: to learn and earn a strong recommendation.

We didn't know these yeses would “pay off,” but both passed the Strategic Yes Test. Then we planted seeds that led to unexpected opportunities.

An Experiment: One Scan, One Small Shift

Take a quiet moment to look at your week through the lens of the three questions:

1. Where are you already doing work that benefits others, benefits you, and that you can do in a spirit of generosity—with no simmering resentment afterward? Notice how those yeses feel in your body and in your sense of yourself as a leader.
2. Where are you doing work that fails one or more of those tests—especially tasks that don’t build your skills or visibility, don’t align with the kind of workplace you want to help create, and leave you drained or irritated? Those are the places to start experimenting with small noes or renegotiations.

Let’s Talk

I can help with that discernment. You are not here just to be used. And you are not here to hide. You get to protect your energy and step up as the generous, strategic, emotionally intelligent leader you are.

If this resonates with you, reply, comment, or send me a direct message. Let me know a bit about your situation. We can see if a quick call would help.

I've created a Skool community for Black women leaders at the director level and above. Here, we can share our unique experiences in organizations. If you are interested, here is the link to The Black Women Leader Gateway. You’ll register with Skool first, then you’ll be placed directly into our community.

I know that people with different identities want to create their own communities. They seek like-minded leaders who face similar challenges in their own unique ways. If that interests you, here’s the link to the waitlist.

Leadership in these demanding times is my passion and interest. I’d love to hear from you either way.

With care,
Jean