I had a report due by the end of the day and was feeling really pressed for time. I’d been working on it all afternoon and had come to an especially important section requiring my full concentration.
I heard “knock, knock” as my coworker, Keisha (a fictitious name) entered my office. “Where’s that list of clients? You promised you’d get it to me so I can get ready for tomorrow’s meeting.”
“I don’t have time for that right now!” I burst out angrily. “Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“Well, excuse me!” came her reply. “You were supposed to email it to me. Where is it? I can’t proceed without it.”
My pulse was racing; I wanted to cry in frustration. The exchange quickly deteriorated into a shouting match. Through gritted teeth, and with a great deal of resentment, I gave her what she needed, practically throwing it at her.
Keisha slammed my office door on her way out, a clue that she, too, was emotionally charged. We were both under a great deal of stress. The pressure each of us felt led to mutual emotional flooding and we ended up blaming one another.
Keisha was in her mid-50s, with health problems. She had missed quite a few workdays in the last month or so and was worried about her job status. I knew she felt pressure to demonstrate her capabilities to the rest of the staff. I also knew the client list was an essential part of what she needed to cover in the next day’s staff meeting. . . and I had failed to fulfill my promise to get her the list she needed.
But I didn’t take any of that into account in the emotionally flooded moment. I was enmeshed in my own anxiety, with a report due by the end of the day. If I was going to get it done, I had to stay focused. The information I had was important to Keisha and of course I’d promised to deliver, but that was before I fell behind on my own work. I resented Keisha for asking me to do something I felt I didn’t have time for.
Prior to this episode, Keisha and I hadn’t had any conflicts. In this interaction, however, became almost enemies, neither interested in the needs of the other.
When she interrupted me, my “fight or flight” emotional state kicked in and I did what she wanted, then blamed her for my inability to standup for myself and my own priorities. I recognized the emotion I was feeling in my chest as fear. I felt afraid—a position I’d been in many times. Rather than admitting my vulnerability and processing my fear in some way, I tried to stuff it back down inside of me and got stuck in it. This “stuckness” then manifested as feelings of anger and resentment.
Sadly, Keisha was let go soon after the incident, but by then our relationship had returned to normal, for the most part. We were cordial but didn’t really engage in any meaningful way. At one point, she asked my boss to tell me to stop being friends with a member of her staff, even though he had been my former intern. In response, I simply stopped talking with my former intern—again, acquiescing to someone else and not standing up for myself.
In reading Reframing Change, I learned that many of my immediate responses were really about flight from past emotional experiences. I tend to freeze when a current event triggers negative emotions from the past. I feel as if I’m in danger, my emotions become flooded, and I shut down communications for fear of being hurt again.
Since that interaction with Keisha, I have found several methods effective in dealing with the emotional flooding. The first is to focus on my breathing whenever I feel my heart starting to race or my jaw clenching. I inhale slowly, as deeply as I can, then exhale as far as I can. I find this relaxes my emotional state enough to be able to pay attention to what is being said.
It also helps to take a break, a walk if I can. This allows me time to center myself, especially important when I am highly invested in the outcome of an interaction. The most effective way of clearing negative emotions learned from Reframing Change was to use the visual image of a balloon. I imagine I’m blowing all the negative emotions I feel into a balloon, then envision it floating away into the sky. I am a visual person, so this works well for me.
Had I used one of these emotional clearing techniques at the time of my unfortunate encounter with Keisha, I could have responded to her request in a more effective way. Instead, I immediately assumed she was being rude by interrupting me—surely, she’d seen how busy I was. That was the “answer” I provided to myself in the moment. What if I had moved to being in the question instead? I knew her worry and fear about her job security had heightened her emotions. I could have taken that into account in my response to her.
Now that more time has passed and I’ve reread Reframing Change, here is my idealized version of what could have happened if I had used the principles and skills of Conscious Change.
Keisha knocks on the door and asks, “Where’s that list of clients? You promised you’d get it to me so I can get ready for tomorrow’s meeting.”
I push my chair back and take a couple of deep breaths and exhalations before responding, “I’m sorry, would you mind waiting about twenty minutes so I can finish the report I’m working on? My stress level is high, and it’s difficult for me to stop when I’m in the middle of something. I know I promised to send it to you, and I will . .. as soon as I’m done with this report.”
She agrees and returns to my office a half hour later. Upon entering, she gives a deep sigh and sits down. The report is taking longer than I anticipated, so I minimize my computer screen and print out four copies of the client list.
“I really appreciate you taking the time to do this,” she says when I hand the copies to her. “I noticed you took a couple of deep breaths before responding to me earlier. You seemed to be having a lot of anxiety. That can be really hard.”
“Yes. Sometimes I really struggle to get control over it. And I find it hard to talk about.”
“It looks like you’re really working at it, though,” she says in what I recognize is an attempt to be supportive.
I nod, and then she says, “Thanks again. I’ll leave now so you can get back to your work.” She smiles as she walks away. I smile too, because we both seem to recognize how heated a situation can become when our emotions flood our minds and bodies.
After reflecting on this, I came away with several insights:
Emily Schwartz Kemper received her master’s degree from the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She studied Conscious Change skills in a leadership class taught by Dr. Jean Latting. She has enjoyed working in the nonprofit sector with homeless women struggling with mental health issues and substance abuse. Emily enjoys gardening, swimming, playing the piano, and spending time with her family—Gunther, Alex, and Fronia.
