Leading Consciously logo
Chapter  
8

Clearing Emotions Can Be a Daunting Task

by Carole Marmell

Chapter  
5

Learning to Test Negative Assumptions

by Eli Davis

Chapter  
8

Clearing Emotions Can Be a Daunting Task

by Carole Marmell

Chapter  
17

We Will Learn Today

By Charles Shaw

Chapter  
15

Act Out of Values Rather than Emotions

By Ashleigh Gardner-Cormier

Chapter  

I Need to Understand Where She's Coming From

By Ashley Ochoa

Chapter  
18

Testing! Testing! Digging Deeper into Initial Resistance to Change

By Erika Young

Chapter  
21

Goal: Create A Culturally Responsive Organization

By Sylvia R. Epps

Chapter  
19

Introducing New Ways of Thinking into a Risk-Averse Organization

By Melissa Simon

Chapter  
6

Dashed Hopes and Expectations

By Tracy Forman

Chapter  
13

How Do I Deal with a Hostile Work Environment?

By Orfelinda Coronado

Chapter  
16

Compassion Wins the Day

By Treshina Smith

Chapter  
20

Anticipate a Certain Amount of Resistance

By Mary H. Beck

Chapter  
7

Can Anyone Be a Social Worker? The Challenge of Correcting Misinformation

By Alicia Beatrice

Chapter  
9

What You See Depends on the Lens You Use

By Steven Hayes

Chapter  
4

Choosing a Career Can Be Emotional Work!

By Shanquela Williams (with Amy Foy Hageman)

Chapter  
5

Learning to Test Negative Assumptions

By Eli Davis

Chapter  
3

Hijacked!

By Emily Schwartz Kemper

I didn’t murder anyone last night. I do admit to having murderous fantasies, though. More realistically (given that I’m a wouldn’t-hurt-a-flea, can’t-stand-the-sight-of-blood person), I had fantasies of a devastating laser-focused attack email that would draw blood. I’ve always taken pride in my rapier skills with words.

But I didn’t do it. This is why.

The Group Rules. Who Rules the Group?

I head up a group of Democratic women in a very red county who meet monthly. In my role as chair, I keep a tight rein on the membership list to avoid internet trolls, who are active and numerous. For that reason I never give out the location of our meetings ahead of time, and our Facebook group is private.

One month, one of the members—I’ll call her Harriet—decided we could benefit from an increase in membership. While I admit this is always a great idea, she also decided, without my input, to invite several new people to our next meeting and, in doing so, gave them the details of when and where we were convening. Giving out our location without vetting is risky.

The result—good and bad—was a doubling of the planned attendance. Good, because it was great to have so many like-minded women coming together. Bad, because we weren’t prepared for such an increase in attendance and the new members hadn’t been screened.

The situation left me fit to be tied. My initial impulse was to unleash a scathing email to Harriet, but I stopped myself.

Maybe sending an email while I’m so angry is unwise, I told myself. I heard Jean Latting’s voice in my head: What results will you get if you send her that email? What results do you want to get?

Well, my outbursts in the past have often caused grief, I admitted to the Jean in my head, which usually accelerates the conflict. I think I’ve finally realized how catering to my emotions without considering other perspectives is a fast track to further conflict. Since this is a completely volunteer organization and the cause is so important, I’d like to avoid that if I can.

What might you do instead? my imaginary Jean asked.

In my work as content editor for Leading Consciously, I’ve seen you repeatedly describe the skills of clearing emotions and testing assumptions in the blogs and other materials, I replied. I understand the skills intellectually but have always been skeptical of my ability to actually use them.

Maybe I’ll try some of them to do some emotional clearing . . . even though it seems daunting.

Clearing the Anger

And it was daunting. I felt entirely justified in my outrage and wanted to sound off. It was easy to believe in the virtue of my anger. In truth, I was attached to my emotions and my sense of righteousness. I also knew from my social work training that trying to simply replace strong negative emotions with calm ones often leaves an emotional hole.

Clearing my anger was more difficult than I expected, however . . . like being told not to scratch a mosquito bite. I wanted to respond right now! I wanted my resentment to dissipate immediately.

Instead, I remembered what I had read and been told: I waited. Something would come to me if I held off. I decided to concentrate not on Harriet’s personality—which grated on me—but instead on what she was trying to do.

I was quite sure that she didn’t say to herself, Oh, I think I’ll be annoying and violate Carole’s norms. More likely she was thinking, What can I do to boost membership?

Engaging in a little introspection, I asked myself, Why are my rules inviolable? Have I ever shared them? If we are big ‘D’ Democrats in a small ‘d’ democracy, where do I get the authority to demand total obedience?

This led me to think about what I wanted to achieve personally and through the group, rather than continuing to center attention on my grievance. I recognized that I needed to shift from “What do I want to do in the heat of the moment?” to “What is it I wish to accomplish?” It took a while, but contemplating that last question yielded several answers:

  • I wish to not look like a jerk.
  • I wish to not sever my connections.
  • I wish to be able to work peacefully with everyone.
  • I wish for this to not happen again.
  • I wish to hear the other side.

In looking at this list, it became clear that I needed to accept the situation gracefully and let go of my outrage before responding to Harriet. And accepting the situation, thinking about it from a different perspective, did help me clear my anger. I knew that remaining furious would not serve me well.

A New Understanding

With this new understanding, I wrote Harriet a calm and reasonable email:

I appreciate your enthusiasm for increasing our membership and attendance at the next meeting. I do wish you would have consulted with me before issuing the invitations, however. My major concern is the need to keep a tight leash on membership, attendance, and information about our meetings. So far, we have avoided protests or other public displays in reaction to our political beliefs in a county where the majority doesn’t share our views. I’d like that to continue. A secondary concern is the stress caused by the ballooning size of the guest list and having to scramble to accommodate additional people at the last minute.

Harriet responded to my second concern, What can I do to help handle the larger attendance?

I appreciate your offer of assistance, I wrote back, but I think the hostess and I now have it under control. We’ll be sure to let you know if we need anything.

I also made a mental note to myself to start an online discussion with the membership about what might be a good process and a good set of rules for inviting new members going forward.

In retrospect, I realized I had unknowingly followed the ABCDE model developed by Martin Seligman:1

A: Adversity (the triggering situation). The triggering situation in this instance was Harriet’s decision to invite people to the next meeting of our group without checking with me.

B: Beliefs (one’s interpretation of someone’s actions). My initial take on her motives was that she was acting irresponsibly, and not following my unspoken chain of command.

C: Consequences (resulting behavior). I became angry and upset about the possible infiltration of our group.

D: Disputation (arguing). In examining my reaction further, though, I realized I was acting out of false assumptions about my role and responsibilities. Were there more small ‘d’ democratic ways of managing the group? I also considered a benevolent explanation for Harriet’s behavior—she was simply being enthusiastic about increasing our membership. And to be fair, there were no formal guidelines about inviting new members.

E: Energizing (the effect of redirecting one’s thoughts). Seriously questioning all the assumptions that fed into my initial, strong emotional reaction allowed me to rethink the situation and react to it from a place of calm.

My understanding of what Seligman is advising (I’m not an expert here) is that we falsely think consequences flow from the facts of a situation, when often the outcomes are a result of our beliefs about a situation—which may or may not be accurate. Rather than arguing about the situation, thinking it through from alternate perspectives might allow us to discover the core of the problem and to consider other points of view. This, in turn, allows us to redirect our thoughts in a more positive direction. As a result, we are energized and centered.

I certainly found this to be the case: when my anger dissipated, the world felt a little emptier, a little less exciting, but very self-affirming. I can still learn new skills. I can still handle situations properly. I can find another way. I slept well that night.

It Worked! Clarifying Desired Results Rather than Giving in to Immediate Emotional Response
(Reflections on Carole’s Story)

Carole’s story is a cautionary tale of the vast difference between merely understanding the Conscious Change skills and doing the more difficult work of using them. In her role as Content Editor for Leading Consciously, one of her tasks is editing the biweekly blogs published by Leading Consciously. Part of that work includes identifying the Conscious Change principles and skills illustrated by each blog post or interview. So Carole had a working intellectual familiarity with the skills needed, but she admitted that she has found it difficult to put them into actual practice.

When one of the members of her Democratic women’s group, Harriet, invited new members without first seeking approval, Carole had an immediate and strong emotional reaction, primarily of anger. Recognizing her strong desire to act out of her emotions, she decided to instead slow down and reflect on the situation rather than giving in to her initial impulse to send Harriet a scathing email.

Carole knew from past experience that catering to her emotions without considering alternatives was a “fast track to further conflict.” So despite seeing the task as “daunting,” she looked for ways to clear her negative emotions.

She started by looking for alternative explanations for Harriet’s actions—a move from being in the answer to being in the question. Rather than sticking with her original conclusion that Harriet was acting irresponsibly, Carole was willing to consider multiple points of view. She entertained the possibility that Harriet’s actions might have stemmed from enthusiasm about increasing the organization’s membership.

Equally as important, Carole was also introspective about the source of her initial reaction to Harriet’s actions. Shifting from thinking “What do I want to do?” to “What do I wish to accomplish?” led to a major reframing of the situation. It allowed her to recognize how she had, perhaps unknowingly, contributed to the situation by not articulating her expectations regarding adding members. Her list of desired results also reminded her to identify with her democratic small ‘d’ values rather than with her emotions.

And, to give her even more credit, she immediately saw that she should raise the issue with the membership at some future point . . . a systems view rather than assuming it was simply an interpersonal conflict between herself and Harriet. This is an excellent example of recognizing her power and consciously choosing to use it responsibly. Clearing her emotions before sending an email to Harriet allowed her to maintain her integrity as leader of this group.

In retrospect, Carole realized she had used a version of the Seligman method of disputation (ABCDE) to clear her negative emotions. She literally tested her assumptions by articulating them and then arguing against them. The Seligman method is an especially effective emotional clearing tool for people oriented more toward thinking than feeling.

There was a “happy ending” to Carole’s story, too, in the way she gave herself credit for having done the right thing and acknowledged her ability to learn new skills.

Conscious Change Principles and Skills
in This Chapter

  • Test Negative Assumptions
    • Move from the answer into the question
    • Look for multiple points of view
    • Consciously test your negative assumptions
  • Clear Emotions
    • Identify with your values, not your emotions
    • Clear your negative emotions
    • Build your positive emotions
  • Conscious Use of Self
    • Accept responsibility for your own contributions
    • Maintain integrity
    • Seek to understand others’ perspective
    • Recognize your power and use it responsibly
    • Build resilience through self-affirmation
  • Initiate Change
    • Emphasize changing systems, not just individuals

About Carole

Carole Marmell received her BA from Tufts University and MSW from the Graduate School of Social Work at the University of Houston. She worked as a social worker in various medical settings until finding her passion in hospice care. After retirement, she returned to her previous career as a proofreader and copy editor for her most inspiring social work professor, Jean Latting. In her leisure time, she corrects typos on the internet.